Emissary From Another World

In the end, I decided to say that nobody was exactly sure. We have since been talking. C. said a few words at dinner, when Felix said that maybe cooking was the difference. At the time it was a little heated but I think upon reflection I can see her point. I can cook, after all. Nowhere near as well as C., but I can do it. I suppose, more than anything that she is on house duties because Julia is on the tit and it just makes sense. We did go back and forth when Felix was younger, and quite frankly, I love being at home with the kids, but Felix’s question really illustrated something. C. on kitchen tends to be our default, and whatever the skill sets or milk-making abilities, there is a possibility for such an arrangement to tell us something about gender, or gendered roles. Whether this is a problem or not, I don’t know. I reminded him (and myself) about Mrs. A, and that very different culture though, and that made him think. I’d like to take him down to talk to her, actually, and I probably will, once it can be arranged.

Felix asked quite a good question today. I forget the exact words but it was something along the lines of what is the difference between girls and boys? I was shovelling compost at the time so my response was brief and strictly biological but I have since been thinking about it and have realised that Felix has inadvertently (or perhaps advertantly – who can say?) stumbled upon the same anxieties I myself have.

In terms of discussing it with Felix, this is not a subject with which I am terribly well versed. My knowledge of feminism, for example, aside from obvious dialectical analysis, pertains to one or two major theorists from whom I had memorised a few of the more political passages, during college when I discovered that feminists were women who tended to refuse to have sex with me (with allowances for “sex positivism,” which is possibly my favorite phrase to come out of the humanities). College was a long time ago, though. What is the difference? Besides the obvious, I mean.

He used to love baths, when he was really little, Felix. But my clever wife solved the problem by putting Wolfie in the tub WITH Felix. And then Felix got all excited about giving Wolfie a bath, and he forgot that he doesn’t like them any more, and Wolfie got clean, which he desperately needed. Two birds with one stone! The hard part was convincing Felix that Wolfie needed to dry outside on the line, and I very much hope he will be dry by bedtime, because I certainly do not want to fight that battle. C. expressed the same and we had a brief laugh, en route to other tasks.

This was really the first moment we’d had since Julia was born that we were two adults together. Funny. I forget. I think I forgot that I was even here. Parts of that are actually quite pleasant, but other parts make me miss her. We sleep together but we really just fall into bed.

Running out of paper! I am going to have to figure out how to make it because I know I will be lost without it, whatever minor efforts I make to give up my part-time career as diarist. There is no other reason, really. And here I am, wasting paper by worrying that I’m running out of paper, and it is ridiculous. It wouldn’t even matter if I could just smoke. God, I miss smoking. I wonder if that ever goes away? I don’t miss not being able to smell. Julia smells lovely, and so did Felix. Unless she needs to be changed, of course. Thank god we kept all those diapers. But all morning I’ve just wanted to rip open a fresh pack and smoke myself to death and I really think it was brought on by worrying about paper. That is so ridiculous I can’t even believe it. Also, it’s possible that writing about how much I want to smoke is not helping. I wonder if Felix would mind if I had a suck on Wolfie, even if he is stinky? Because I am perilously close to getting very, very stoned just to smoke something. It’s not the same, though. We have it in a pipe, not a tube. The tube is essential. I wonder if Cottle had any of his stash left over when he died?

Been busy, so had not written this, but C. rolled her eyes at me when I told her about Julia. In fact, she told me off for being sexist. At the time I was very indignant, but actually, she is right. Julia is a person more than she is a girl.

She is a person, too. Her personality is so distinct from Felix’s already, and I think I thought they would be the same because I didn’t really realize that babies would vary so much. She is much more sceptical than Felix was. She often looks like she is evaluating things and making decisions and very little escapes her notice.

Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. It has only just occurred to me that I am a horrible womanizer and everything else and now I have a daughter and I don’t know what the frak I’m supposed to do! I am alone with Julia asleep in my other arm, and I don’t know what to do! I do know how to care for a baby but I don’t know what to teach a girl, other than to beware of awful men like her father. She is asleep and sucking on her hand and so trusting and she has no idea who I am and how wrong that is.

Poor old Felix is a bit sad. We got very excited about Julia’s rolling and he got a bit sulky so we had a talk and he’s convinced we no longer love him. For all his sensible reasoning about other people’s feelings, he is only little. His assumption is, of course, untrue, but I do understand that he misses being C.’s baby. Actually, I probably understand too much, and I’m embarrassed that the sensation is so familiar. I must have been such a nightmare back when he was born.

Might suggest to C. that she spends a bit of time with just Felix tomorrow.  He is a bit lonely, I think.  My conjecture here is supported by the fact that Wolfie has joined us for every walk and at every meal for the last month or so. Felix talks to him and pretends he answers, and will frequently give him a bite of his breakfast. Wolfie is getting a bit smelly, and it has occurred to me to worry about Felix in terms of seeing things that aren’t there.

I think it is innocent, though, especially since all Wolfie appears to be saying is “please give me some buttery cornmeal with pumpkin in it.” This is Felix’s favourite breakfast, so it’s probably just normal make-believe rather than actual delusions

Julia has already learned to roll over! She’s not even two months. She’s obviously a quick study, my clever little girl. She’s so lovely and soft and fuzzy. Nothing is nicer than a baby, really. Without wanting to wish us into an unsustainable workload, I would not be at all sorry to keep on having them, because she is adorable, just as Felix was when he was small. She looks a lot like me, too, but obviously much prettier.

The downside of this is that now she can’t be left on the table or the sideboard in case she rolls herself off. Felix, we could just plop down and leave him there while we were cooking or whatever and he’d be perfectly fine, until he was six months or so. Not so for Julia. She is in a hurry to do everything.

Felix got very excited today, because he was talking away to you and you looked right at him. He is convinced you recognise him and I wonder if you do. The three of us had a walk around out front this morning, and you liked it very much. I could tell because you didn’t cry at all, and a few times you looked very interested, especially at Goaty. Felix explained to you who she was in a terribly important voice, so I hope you were listening, because otherwise he’ll be very disappointed.

You are such a lovely baby, and you are growing very fast – you’re only a little more than a month old but already you are so much bigger than when you were born. I find this amazing and in some ways I find it a tiny bit sad. You grow so fast! Everything happens so fast, and there is never enough time.

What’s amazing is that I haven’t run out of love. I am full up with it and still, there is always more.

Visit from the Adamas. More political storms in the village, apparently. Don’t give a flying frak because it is nothing to do with me and I absolutely refuse to care. I am proud of Mrs., though. She is tough, and they are beyond lucky to have her. I don’t know what will happen, which is why I am glad that my family and I live out here and very few people ever bother us.

What is important is that it was all three of the Adamas. Lee a bit contrite. He feels bad about our argument, which is touching because it was my fault and I really was out of line. It occurred to me to tell him this, actually, and I might yet, because it would be the right thing, even if it is more than a little appealing to get away with having been a jerk. And we’ve had a new child party, so I’d like to have had it on a pure-ish soul, because it is a good thing to have a few traditions, even if they are very small.

They’re back living together, apparently. That’s good, I suppose. Lee told me, last night, after the women had gone to bed, that I was right and it was hard for him not to be in charge. He’s attracted to such tough women, and then, he says, he just tries to be tougher than them. He’s not like me. I like being bossed around, even if I do get sulky. He says it is really hard to recognise that he has to just take direction, which he is now doing, and helping with Mrs.’ practice, which is contentious. He has had to defend her, quite a lot, on both sides. I don’t envy him at all for that position, but he always did love politics.  He talked for a while, actually, and I do want to know but I was only half listening because Julia was a bit restless so I had her in the crook of my arm the whole time. She did go to sleep eventually, but she was a lot less thrilled by the meet and greet than Felix was when he was little. Cottle once told me that since they can’t focus that well when they’re so tiny, it can all be a bit confusing, and while Felix obviously dealt with that by simply ignoring it, Julia is finding all that sensation distracting and so she cries. It’s funny that they’re already such different people. But at any rate, Lee and I set up a hunting date before he left this morning, so I suppose we’ll talk then.

The other thing is, Hera has displayed some aptitude for math, and the Agathons would like me to tutor her. Will give the matter some thought, but I suppose the answer will be yes, since I can hardly refuse, given the magnitude of the debt I owe Karl.